


Why did you leave? (don't you see we could've had it all?)

by bpdyamaguchi



Series: Why Did you Leave? [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, I really just shoved a bunch of my otps into this, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Yamaguchi Tadashi-centric, idk how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-07-12 07:52:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7093222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bpdyamaguchi/pseuds/bpdyamaguchi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been years since Tsukishima has left, but it doesn't meant that Tadashi has gotten over it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why did you leave? (don't you see we could've had it all?)

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Español available: [¿Por que te fuiste? (¿No ves que pudimos tenerlo todo?)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7626205) by [Cocoaruni](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cocoaruni/pseuds/Cocoaruni)



> Oh god, this took such a long time to write, ugh. Hope you enjoy.
> 
> update: omg someone was kind enough to translate this story into Spanish for me, so if you can go read it [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7626205) if you'd like <3

The pale sunlight poured through the window early in the morning. Tadashi had been awake long enough to watch an orange glow fill the room and chase the shadows away. He knew that he should have fallen asleep hours ago after spending a restless night rolling around under the bedsheets with his newest lover, but after everything was said and done, his eyelids refused to stay closed. He watched the clock on the nightstand, the red glowing numbers showing him how much time he was wasting by being here. He had work later today.

Tadashi sat up in bed, shivering violently when the cold air hit his bare chest. He glanced to the side, seeing Ushijima still fast asleep with his strong hand gripping at the pillow under his head. He admitted that he found the older man very attractive and interesting, despite the fact that Ushijima never really talked much, but Tadashi could never bring himself to be anything more than a one-night stand. He might allow himself to spend another night or two, but he didn’t want to give Ushijima the wrong idea. He wasn’t interested in a relationship.

_At least, not with him,_ Tadashi thought to himself, looking away from the sleeping figure and glancing back at the windows to the left of the room. He was trying to decide whether or not to leave before Ushijima woke up, or to stay and have to awkwardly thank him for the lovely night before leaving. He had learned from past lovers that it was best to leave before anything else could happen, but he was being held back by the warmth of the bed and the late arrival of sleep tugging at the back of his head. Besides, he had no ride home unless he wanted to ride the subway practically hungover and sleep-deprived.

Ushijima stirred next to him, rolling over to face Tadashi; his eyelids slowly opened to reveal dark olive eyes that peered up at him through the faint light. Tadashi only gave him a shy wave and a sheepish grin, masking the guilt he felt for wanting to leave so early. It didn’t matter how many times he had spent the night at some stranger’s house, he always felt terrible afterwards for leaving without a word. He felt even worse for even committing such an act, knowing that if _he_ found out, _he_ would be disappointed.

_But_ **_he_ ** _ isn’t here, so why does it even matter?  _ He mumbled in his thoughts, moving to brush Ushijima’s brown hair out of his eyes. Ushijima Wakatoshi was a tall man in his early twenties, training hard to become a professional volleyball player. Tadashi had met him when he was in high school, having been in the team that been the only team to ever crush Ushijima’s team in the Spring Tournament. Ushijima was the epitome of powerful and his whole being screamed intensity, which could be one of the things that attracted Tadashi. Last night, they had ran into each other at a bar while Ushijima was looking for his friend, Satori, and Tadashi was just looking for someone to talk to.

  
“Good morning,” Ushijima’s deep voice rumbled quietly, still drenched with sleep. Tadashi shivered subtly at the sound of his voice, remembering how it growled and murmured in his ear last night, but he waved the thoughts away before responding with a soft “good morning” of his own. He could feel Ushijima’s intense stare on him, scanning him over as if he was trying to read him. Or he could have been looking over the bruises and bites that marked his tan, freckled skin. 

Tadashi was going to have to buy some makeup to cover the ones that were on his just under his jaw. Who would have thought that the ace spiker was rough in bed? 

  
The other man sat up in bed, making it creak softly under his weight, and ran his hand through his brown hair, groaning quietly. Tadashi admired his strong build, his eyes tracing over the lines of muscle. He felt a pang of envy mixed with desire hit him in the chest. He wished he could be that fit, but at the same time, he would rather run his hands up and down those rippling abs and get pressed against that rock hard chest. As cliche as it sounded, Ushijima had the figure of a Greek god. 

He leaned into Ushijima, breathing in the faint scent of his musky cologne. Tadashi really couldn’t help himself now. “Take a shower with me, I’ll have to leave soon.” He said softly, giving him a lopsided smile he knew that not even Ushijima would be able to resist.

Ushijima gave a little smile of his own, catching on to what Tadashi wanted.

“Alright.”

* * *

Tadashi pressed a lit cigarette to his chapped lips as he walked through the fairly busy streets of Tokyo. He had moved here with  _ him  _ right after high school to go to college, but he found himself unable to stick with the major that he wanted to study, and just dropped out for a year. It soon became three years and he hadn’t returned to college. Instead, he worked meager jobs, jumping from job to job to pay the rent of his apartment. He lived alone, so he didn’t need to worry about tending to someone else. He just needed to take care of himself.

Of course, Tadashi seemed to come across people from his past, some of them good reminders, while the others… Bad. The good reminders were usually people from the old Tokyo teams, such as Kenma, Keiji, and Tetsuro. They had become like a second family to him, constantly reminding him to take care of himself and such. Especially Keiji. The raven haired man had taken on the motherly role that Koushi, one of Tadashi’s high school senpai, once had and took it upon himself to help Tadashi whenever he could. 

One of the less positive reminders of his past was Oikawa Tooru. The older man used to be everything Tadashi had wanted to be as a high schooler with his talent in volleyball and a handsome face, but Tooru wasn’t all that he thought he would be. Before Ushijima, Tadashi found himself involved with Tooru due to the fact that they attended to the same college for a year. Even though Tadashi had attempted to hide from Tooru because he was sure that the former captain of Aoba Johsai’s volleyball team still resented Karasuno and all of its members, he was surprised to find Tooru pursuing after him.

It was like a game of cat and mouse during Tadashi’s freshman year. Tooru was the cat, while Tadashi was the mouse that would run from his grasp, only to come back to taunt the sleeping cat. It was innocent at first, with Tooru showering Tadashi with compliments and occasional small gifts, but after  _ he  _ left, Tadashi let himself get carried away with the more sensual promises Tooru made. Tooru had been his first lover, but that’s not why he made Tadashi feel so bad.

_ His lips were soft as a flower petal, brushing over Tadashi’s jawline as he looked away from Tooru; his cheeks bright red with embarrassment. Tooru had pulled him aside after class to talk to him and now he was just flustering the poor freshmen, pressing him against the wall of the college building. They weren’t exactly dating since Tadashi never accepted the older male’s invitation to go on a date, but it was clear to anyone around them that Tooru was terribly fond the freckled man. _

_ “Tooru-” He whined softly, trying to pull away when his warm breath tickled his neck. He could smell the cologne on him, and whenever he came closer, he could smell the faint scent of mint on his lips. “Someone’s gonna see.” Tadashi said, his worried brown eyes flickering to the sides. There was a curtain of trees that shielded them from sight, but he knew that anyone could just walk in and catch Tooru, the most talented setter on the volleyball team, nipping and biting at Tadashi’s neck like he was a treat. _

_ “No one is going to come this way,” The setter purred softly, pulling away to press his forehead against Tadashi’s forehead. He felt his breath hitch in his throat, being able to see the richness of Tooru’s brown eyes. While Tadashi didn’t feel any romantic feelings towards him, he couldn’t help but be attracted to him. He couldn’t blame the crowds of girls that tended to flock towards him wherever he went. If he didn’t know  _ **_him_ ** _ , he would be flocking towards Tooru as well.  _

_ “Excuse me.” _

_ Tadashi’s blood ran cold when he heard that ever familiar voice, and turned his head to see  _ **_Tsukishima Kei_ ** _ , his best friend since middle school, watching them with a hint of anger glaring in his amber colored eyes. Tooru slowly pulled off of Tadashi, a small smirk forming on his lips. He looked back at the smaller male before flashing a smile and resting his hands on his jean-clad hips. _

_ “Ah, I get it now. Well, I’ll see you around, my little strawberry.” He cooed, tilting Tadashi’s chin up gently as he leaned in quickly to steal a sweet kiss from his parted lips. He pulled away with a wink before walking away, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his varsity jacket. Tadashi could only watch with wide eyes as the other left, before timidly turning towards Kei, worried of what was coming to him. Would Kei yell at him? Would he push him away in disgust? _

_ To his surprise, Kei seemed to not be able to take his eyes off Tadashi. The freckled man felt oddly exposed under his bespectacled gaze, as if Kei could read his most deepest thoughts and wants. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything to reassure the blond that he had nothing to do with Tooru, but it seemed that Kei had witnessed too much to be able to believe him. _

_ “I thought you two weren’t dating.” He finally muttered after what seemed to be an eternity of silence. Tadashi could feel his heart hammering in his chest and his cheeks heat up. Surely, his face resembled a strawberry like Tooru had called him earlier. _

_ “We aren’t! Too- Oikawa-san is just- He’s really persistent. I swear, we’re not dating at all!” Tadashi said quickly, feeling sweat starting to bead on the back of his neck. Kei’s quizzitive glare made him shrink into his shoes, looking down at the grass as he nibbled on his chapped lips.  _

_ “Keep telling yourself that.” _

The blare of a car horn snapped Tadashi back to the present as he stood on the sidewalk, waiting for the light to change. He pulled the cigarette from his lips and exhaled the smoke, feeling it warm up his lungs in the cold city air. He knew that if Keiji or Kenma found him smoking again, they would be upset with him and scold him for continuing one of his many bad habits, but it was still a lot better than popping pills or bleeding his life away. At least, that’s what he thought. 

The signal changed to a white figure walking, and Tadashi crossed the street, trying to avoid bumping into people as they made their ways to wherever they were going. A faint sting of jealousy irritated him as he watched mothers pushing their children in their strollers, or couples walking hand in hand. Hell, even just watching the elderly walk on by without a care in the world made him clench his fists and mutter under his breath.

They all had something that he didn’t: a purpose. 

The mothers have places to be, things to do in order to take care of their children. They could teach things to their children like how to be kind, or how to love. Their purpose was to guide and to teach. Couples just irritated him because they’ve found happiness within each other without much drama. (Well, he shouldn’t assume, but just seeing them smile and laugh with each other just made Tadashi’s nerves grate with jealousy.) And then the elderly… He envied them because they have already lived. They’ve experienced enough drama in their young lives and now are just waiting for a peaceful death to come over them, while Tadashi had to struggle through his own life and ignore the constant desire to fling himself from the tallest building in Tokyo. 

Life just wasn’t fair.

* * *

 

Knocking on the door made Tadashi flinched in his spot, feeling panic rise up to his throat before slowly subsiding. He rarely had any visitors since most of his so-called friends barely knew where he lived. He lived in a small apartment just a half hour ride on the metro from Tokyo, having rented out the place just after he dropped out of college. With his piss-poor job in a bookshop, he was just barely able to scrape up enough money to pay the rent every month. Occasionally, Tetsuro or Kenma offered to help him pay the rent, but he didn’t feel like burdening them like that. They had their own troubles to deal with. 

“Coming,” He mumbled, dropping the book that he had been reading when he had been startled, and stumbled towards the door; his right leg cramping up in response from being held up in an odd position for a while. Turning the doorknob, Tadashi opened the door to see Kenma standing in the hallway with a plastic bag in one hand and his phone in the other. 

“You’re actually home.” The blonde mused quietly, stuffing his touch screen phone into his back pocket before holding up the plastic bag to Tadashi. “It’s been a while since I met up with you, so I thought you’d need some groceries.” 

Tadashi fought the urge to roll his eyes at the shorter man, knowing that he was just trying to help him take care of himself, but it was hard when he felt that he was being babied at the same time. “It’s only been a week, Kenma-san, but thank you.” He took the plastic bag from him and peeked in, seeing the usual vegetables and a couple of fruits scattered about. 

“Ah, would you like to come in?” He stammered suddenly, pulling away from the bag. 

Kenma only nodded and Tadashi moved aside to let the shorter man in. He closed the door after him and let out a sigh, remembering that he hadn’t cleaned up much so there were empty cans of coffee scattered around his apartment. But as always, Kenma said nothing as he slipped off his shoes and moved to sit at the table that was in the kitchen. This is where they usually sat at to talk.

As Tadashi followed him, he couldn’t help noticed the black roots that contrasted the light blond color of Kenma’s hair. The shorter male has always had his hair bleached blond ever since they were in high school. During the years, he had grown it out long enough so it could be tied up in a messy bun, but he continued to bleach it to keep its blond color. His hair eventually took on its usual pudding head look, never staying completely blonde for too long.

“Have you spoken to Tetsuro lately?” Kenma spoke up suddenly, leaning his elbows against the small table with a bored expression on his face. Tadashi quickly shook his head as he placed the plastic bag on the yellow and white checkered countertop. The last time he had spoken with the black haired man had been over two months ago after they ended their odd relationship that they had together. Of course, Kenma had no idea about this relationship, (or at least, he hoped not) so it made sense for him to ask something like that.

“No, why? Did something happen to him?” He asked softly, trying to feign innocence as he put away the foods that Kenma had bought for him. There was a brief pause of silence which set Tadashi on edge, so he glanced over to see Kenma’s golden brown eyes scan over him, but the other soon turned his face away and gave a small huff. 

“Not really. I just thought he would be the one to tell you the news.” He replied vaguely, pulling out his phone and tapping at something on the screen.

Tadashi stopped his movements and placed the bag of grapes down, raising an eyebrow at Kenma. “What news?” He asked hesitantly, feeling his heart rate starting to spike up quickly in his chest; his fingers trembling slightly out of anxiety. He wasn’t sure what to expect and the silence just made it a hundred times worse.

“Kei’s back from America.”

If Tadashi had been holding something in his hands, he would have dropped it already. His bottom lip quivered subtly and he found himself speechless. There was really nothing that he could say, so he only turned away to continue putting the food away with a soft hum. 

“Good for him.” He mumbled, stuffing the last few things into the fridge before closing the door and rolling the plastic bag into a ball. That had been the last thing he had expected to ever hear about. Frankly, after Kei left with no goodbye, Tadashi realized he might never get to see his former best friend again. Kei never told him if he would come back or when he would, only the fact that he was leaving to study in America and that was it. Now the bastard had decided to make a reappearance in his life. 

“Yamaguchi…” Kenma murmured, having stood up and watched him with a knowing look. Kenma and the others knew of the rocky ending to Tadashi and Kei’s friendship. They had all been there to help Tadashi back onto his feet, but it seemed that whenever the topic of Kei came up, the freckled man would get silent and would refuse talking about him, usually taking the chance to change the topic as soon as he could.

But Tadashi refused to look at him, not wanting Kenma to see the storminess that grew in his brown eyes. Even after five years, the mention of his name still left a sour taste in Tadashi’s mouth. It still infuriated him that Kei would just suddenly decide to fly off to the other side of the world without saying goodbye to him or offering any explanation as to why he was leaving. It made him angry that Kei left after their first and last argument, not giving time for the wounds in Tadashi’s heart to heal and letting it be exposed for infection to fester inside of him until it ruined him.

_ It’s so obvious that he  _ **_loves_ ** _ you, so why don’t you just go to him? Let him just run his dirty hands all over you so he can leave in the morning for someone much more stupid than you.” _

_ “What the hell are you talking about, Kei?” Tadashi screeched, watching as the taller male rolled his eyes and crossed his arms impatiently, looking more annoyed than he had ever seen him. Kei had happened to walk in on Tooru kissing Tadashi that night and was horribly pissed by the fact that he had not pushed the setter away from him. It didn’t even make sense since Kei didn’t care enough about Tadashi to be worried about whether or not he ended up hurt because of his relationship with Tooru.  _

_ “Don’t play dumb, Yamaguchi.” He hissed venomously; his glare sharp enough to make Tadashi feel like it was stabbing him. “You act like you don’t like him, but I’m pretty sure you’ve gotten down on your knees for him. Stop trying to lie to me and yourself.” Kei accused Tadashi of being easy, but it still didn’t make sense as to why he was making it such a big deal. _

_ “I’ve never slept with him, and I told you that I don’t like him! We’re not dating and that’s it. What about you and Kuroo-san? I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of tension between you two!” Tadashi shot back, clenching his fists in anger. Tears of fury sprang from his eyes, but he refused to let them fall as Kei continued to shoot back accusations at him. None of this made sense to Tadashi since Kei’s anger was just so unexpected and unwarranted.  _

_ “Even if there was something between me and him, it would make sense since we know each other unlike you and Oikawa. He’s just interested in getting in your pants; don’t think it has to do with your “charming” personality.” _

_ At this point, both of them were just saying things to hurt the other. None of their accusations were true and they both knew it, or at least, Tadashi knew it. He didn’t truly believe that Kei was cruel and heartless, and he was sure that Kei didn’t believe that he was sucking off every guy he met. Honestly, Kei would be nice when he wanted to, but he was insecure. And Tadashi wasn’t helping. But in the heat of the moment, neither of them could bring themselves to back down.  _

_ “Just leave then, Kei! If you’re so disgusted by me, then just go and never come back!” Tadashi hissed out; tears streaming down his hot cheeks. He turned away from him and used the sleeves of his grey sweater to wipe the tears from his eyes. He could hear the door of his apartment opening and slamming back shut before he let himself fall to the ground.  _

That was the last that he heard from Kei.

Tadashi bit back a shuddery sigh and shook his head. “Look, I don’t want to know anything about him anymore. It’s been a couple of years and I want to heal already. I’ll talk to him whenever I feel like I can, alright?” He said, looking back at Kenma with a grim expression on his face. The blond faltered slightly before shaking his head, letting out an exasperated sigh. If Kenma really thought he could convince Tadashi to talk to Kei, then he had another thing coming.

“If you say so, call me if you ever want to talk.”

With that, Kenma walked out of the kitchen and to the door, leaving the apartment and Tadashi alone to his thoughts.

“I wish he never came back.”

* * *

After Kenma left, Tadashi decided it would be a good idea to take a nap before cooking something for dinner. He knew that he skipped going to work today, but he felt too exhausted to really care about whether or not he got fired. He could just tell them later that he got sick with the flu and decided to stay home. Besides, it wasn’t like he even looked healthy.

Over the years, dark shadows marked under his eye bags and his tan skin was starting to become a sickly pale. He was starting to lose weight and muscle that he had built up over the years of playing volleyball in high school; his skin starting to stick close to his bone. Keiji occasionally pointed this out, reprimanding Tadashi for neglecting himself, but he waved him off each time.

He sat up from the couch, wincing as the cushion springs groaned under his weight. Discomfort in his lower back made him make a mental note to never pass out on the couch ever again, unless he bought a new couch, which was unlikely. Tadashi didn’t have the money to buy any new furniture, so he settled for the old squeaky couch and worn out chairs that he had.

Watching water boil in an old pot, Tadashi let out a soft sigh, wrapping his arms around himself. He didn’t understand why after all these years, Tsukishima would suddenly return from his studies in America. He didn’t understand why people would think he’d care about him, even after the fight that they had before Tsukishima left. The last thing he wanted was that. He didn’t want Tsukishima to return into his life. He wanted the blond man to stay in America and stay as far away as possible. Tadashi was sure he would never bring himself to face him.

Having closed his eyes while he submerged himself in his thoughts, Tadashi cried out in surprise when he heard his phone vibrate on the checkered countertop. He grumbled softly to himself, irritated as it lit up  _ Tetsuro  _ on the front with a selfie that the former Nekoma captain took when he stole Tadashi’s phone once. It seemed like the whole world remembered that he existed the moment that Tsukishima returned. How annoying.

Tadashi turned off the heat, forgetting his plans of cooking cheap ramen, before grabbing his phone and sliding the answer button over. He pressed the phone against his ear before murmuring a soft, “Hello?”. He wasn’t going to tell Tetsuro that he knew that Tsukishima was back, if that was the reason for his calling. He honestly didn’t want to bring it up at all. The whole situation made him mad as hell and he wanted to avoid it as much as possible.

“Hey, Freckles,” came the smug greeting as always.

Tadashi rolled his eyes at him, knowing that Tetsuro wouldn’t be able to see him anyways and wouldn’t have the chance to frown (not pout, Kuroo Tetsuro doesn’t pout) and whine about how rude he is. It was all in good nature, of course, but Tadashi really wasn’t in the mood to put up with his teasing and jokes. People were starting to get on his nerves and he just wanted to eat his sad, cheap ramen in his sad, cheap kitchen and be by his sad, cheap self.

“What can I do for you, Kuroo- _ san. _ ” Tadashi asked, but his voice sounded monotone. He was sure that Tetsuro had noticed this as well since it was practically impossible to lie or hide something from him, but he said nothing about it and continued into the conversation, probably choosing to ignore the fact that Tadashi was annoyed.

“It’s been awhile since we’ve drank together, Freckles. Last time was really fun, so since I’m free tonight, I was wondering if you wanted to go with me. Drinks will be on me, of course.” Tetsuro replied, getting straight to the point. Usually, he would have looked for an excuse to drag Tadashi out to drink, but this time, Tetsuro seemed rather urgent to invite him out. That was a little worrisome. 

Tadashi wrinkled his nose in concern, but he made sure not to sound concerned. He was tempted to turn Tetsuro down, seeing that he had already gone drinking last night and ended up in someone’s bed, but with Tsukishima’s arrival, the idea of getting drunk again sounded pleasant. The other unappealing factor happened to be that last time that he had gone drinking with Tetsuro, Tadashi had blacked out for a couple of hours and came back to sitting on Tetsuro’s lap with the black haired man kissing his neck sloppily; his breath reeking of cheap beer.

The most he remembered from that night was the fact that it had taken place months after Tsukishima left and a couple days after he broke up with Tooru. He had convinced himself that he wasn’t upset at all by Tsukishima’s absence, or his breakup, and he supposedly proved that by going out to the bar with Tetsuro and a couple others to have fun. Someone must have brought the topic of Tsukishima up since Tadashi only remembered that after two cups of hard whiskey, the room was starting to spin as black spots blotted his sight. It was the feeling of vomit coming up his throat that made him come back, pushing away Tetsuro’s chest and stumbling away to vomit on the floor.

“Mm, I don’t know…” Tadashi said softly, looking back at the pot of boiled water. “I have work tomorrow and I don’t think that my boss would be too happy if I came to work with a hangover.” He honestly couldn’t care about what his boss thought about him, but Tetsuro didn’t know that. Besides, there had been plenty of times in which Tadashi had arrived to his job hungover. But it just looked like he was sleep-deprived since he always carried a mug of coffee with him afterwards.

Tetsuro snorted softly. “That’s load of bull, Freckles. We both know that you don’t have work tomorrow and according to Wakatoshi-kun, you had a lot of fun last night despite the fact today you had work today. I know you only work weekdays, Tadashi.” A shiver ran up Tadashi’s spine at the smug tone in Tetsuro’s voice. He smacked his forehead in response, having forgotten the fact that he did in fact work weekdays and took the weekends off. Tetsuro probably remembered that because Tadashi only went drinking with him on the weekends. 

Tadashi rubbed his eyes in irritation and let out a low sigh. “You spoke with Ushijima today?” He asked quietly, biting his bottom lip as he remembered when he left Ushijima’s apartment that morning. They showered together and had a second round in the tub before Ushijima offered to cook breakfast for Tadashi. He turned down the offer and used the excuse that he was going to be late to work if he stayed for breakfast, but he was flattered by the offer. He gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him he would see him around, but he figured that that would be the only time they’d ever get intimate with each other again.

“Yup, says he was  _ enchanted  _ to have met you. That you’re very  _ charming  _ and very  _ cute.  _ Not only that, but he’s hoping to be able to find you again so he could get to know you better.” He chuckled softly, making Tadashi frown. “You really left poor Wakatoshi-kun lovestruck, Freckles. Poor guy had troubles focusing during practice tonight since he’s so anxious to see you again. I didn’t give him your number, if that’s what you’re worried about. I know you’re kinda cruel when it comes to your nightly partners.”

“I am not cruel, Kuroo-san. I’m just not looking for a relationship right now.” 

“Because they’re not Tsukki, huh.”

He wrinkled his nose at that accusation and clenched his free hand, wanting to slam it down on the counter top. “That has nothing to do with anything. I just don’t want a relationship.” Tadashi shot back; his patience starting to wear out.

Tetsuro must have noticed this so he backed off, humming noncommittally. “Well, you’ll have to work that out with him since that’s none of my business, but back to my invitation. Do you want to go drinking with me or not?” He asked again. Tadashi felt frustrated at his friend’s stubborn nature and had a feeling that he wasn’t going to be able to worm his way out of this.

“Alright, give me like an hour to get ready and stuff.” He grumbled, looking at the pot of water that he had boiled. So much for cooking ramen tonight, but as long as Tetsuro was paying for their drinks, he might as well pay for the food as well. 

“Sweet, I’ll meet you at the same place as always, Freckles.”

“Yeah, bye.” Tadashi hung up the phone and rolled his eyes; a sinking feeling landing in the pit of his stomach. He had a bad idea about this meetup.

* * *

After taking another shower, Tadashi got ready in some casual clothes, not wanting to look disheveled and gross when he went out. Even though he was just going out drinking with Tetsuro, he still felt the urge to look good. His clothes were enough to cover up the fact that he looked horribly sleep deprived and gross. He was surprised that Ushijima hadn’t notice that last night, but then again, they had been drinking and any sense of logic just flew out the window the moment that Ushijima pinned Tadashi to the wall of his apartment. 

He took the bus to the bar that he always went to with Tetsuro, watching the lights and cars flash by. The city seemed to come to life more at night with all the bright colors shining over the people and cars, giving strangers a sense of infinity. At least, that’s what Tadashi had felt the first week that he had moved into Tokyo with Tsukishima. He complained about not being able to see the twinkling stars at night, but the city lights were enough to convince him to stay. Even still, he still found himself dreaming of the stars back in Miyagi and to a time when things were less complicated.

Tadashi shook his head and pressed the button that requested the bus driver to stop. He really didn’t want to go anymore and was tempted to just walk home instead of heading to the bar, but he was already close by and he was quite hungry, so he could get Tetsuro to pay for his food if he was already paying for their drinks. Not only that, but it would be rude to not show up when he promised that he would. Tadashi was irritated, but not rude.

As the bus pulled up to the stop, Tadashi got off with a soft thanks to the driver and headed towards the bar; the doors pushed wide open and letting a line of talking and smiling people. He scanned around the area for Tetsuro and stopped when he saw the mess of black hair that stood up. Tadashi was fairly sure that Tetsuro styled his hair that way every day, but  the latter always said that it was his natural bed hair. Like Tadashi believed that.

He walked over to him and stuffed his hands in his jean pockets, offering a small tired smile. “I’m here,” He announced weakly, hating the way his voice croaked. Tetsuro only grinned back before clapping a hand on his back and wrapping his arm around his shoulders as he led Tadashi into the bar.

“I thought you were gonna bail, Freckles, and that I’d have to hunt you down at your house to drag you out here myself. Geez, you and Kenma are too much alike sometimes.” He snickered, pulling him along to the usual booth that they sit at. Tadashi rolled his eyes, wanting to say that Kenma and he were nowhere near alike. They just didn’t like going out drinking specifically with Tetsuro since he became a hassle to take care of when he was drunk. It was even worse when Koutarou, Tetsuro’s best friend (aside from Kenma), came along. Those two were just terrible to deal with when they’re wasted.  


“You say that like that’s a bad thing. Kenma-san is a nice guy.” He teased quietly, nudging Tetsuro in the side before looking up the booth; his brown eyes suddenly widening in shock.

_ He  _ was there.

_ Tsukishima Kei  _ was there.

Tsukishima Kei was just sitting there, with his hands folded on the table and a grim expression on his stupid face. And he was just staring at Tadashi  _ and-! _

_ Nononononononon-,  _ Tadashi pushed himself away from Tetsuro’s hold, but the former Nekoma captain gripped him tighter, practically crushing him against his side. His heart sped up and hammered in his chest as the air around him became dry, making it harder to breathe. Tadashi squirmed and wriggled as Tetsuro forced him to stay close and soon his wrists were gripped in the other’s strong hands.

“Listen to me, Tadashi. I know I didn’t tell you about this, but he wanted to see you again.” He hissed under his breath; the playful tone in voice suddenly gone.

“I don’t care! I don’t want to see him or talk to him ever again!” Tadashi hissed back, feeling like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum at a store because his mom didn’t want to buy him the dinosaur-shaped gummies that he wanted. Tetsuro didn’t let go and didn’t falter as Tadashi glared at him, still struggling against him. The grip on his wrists tightened more, bruising them. He winced slightly, but he continued to glare up at Tetsuro’s intense brown eyes.

“Tadashi, control yourself! This has gone long enough. You need him and he needs you, so you’re going to sit in that booth and make up with him.” He growled quietly, shaking Tadashi’s wrists and making him wince even more at the force. “He asked me to bring you here because he’s quite aware that if he asked you himself, you wouldn’t listen to him. Tadashi, I’m worried for you… All of us are worried for you, so if talking with him can fix all of this, then I’ll do anything to get you guys to make up.” His voice became softer as he spoke and a pang of guilt hit Tadashi in the chest.

He stopped struggling and furrowed his eyebrows, not wanting to give in, but also, not wanting to talk to Tsukishima. “Fine, I’ll do it.” He murmured softly, avoiding Tetsuro’s eyes. The hold on his hands lessened and Tetsuro let out a small sigh of relief. He didn’t let go of his wrist in case Tadashi was lying.

“Good, now go apologize for causing a scene in front of him. I’m sure you hurt his feelings for going berserk at the sight of him.”

“Can’t be as bad as he made me feel.” Tadashi grumbled under his breath as he looked away, letting the black haired man pull him along to the table.

They reached to the booth and Tadashi was nudged into the seat across from Tsukishima. He looked up at Tetsuro to see him still standing and raised an eyebrow, about to open his mouth to ask why he was still standing, but he stopped him before he could say anything.

“I did my part now, so I’ll be leaving you two to work things out by yourself. Tadashi, if you leave before anything gets done, we’re going to repeat this process until you cooperate.” Tetsuro said in a serious voice, looking at the freckled man like a child he was scolding. Tadashi only rolled his eyes and glanced to the side, not wanting to look up and see Tsukishima in front of him.

“Someone better be paying for the drinks then, I didn’t bring any money.” He muttered, knowing he sounded like a brat. Surely, Tsukishima was going to be shocked by his new attitude.

“I’ll… be paying the drinks, Yamaguchi. It’s only fair.” The blond spoke up from across the table. Tadashi still didn’t look up, but he nodded and hummed. This would be a good chance to try one of those expensive wines that they sold up front. He was going to need a couple of bottles of their strongest wines if he was going to go through with this.

“Alright, I’ll call you later, Tadashi… To make sure you got  home safe. See you guys later.” Tetsuro said quietly, his gaze still lingering on Tadashi. He supposed that it was nice that Tetsuro was so worried about Tadashi, but he wished that he didn’t have the need to force him to talk to Tsukishima.

Soft music played in the background, but it still wasn’t enough to prevent the uncomfortable silence that fell over the two. Tadashi wasn’t going to say anything first because he had nothing to say to Tsukishima. He wasn’t going to ask him what was going through his mind the day that he left after they had their argument. He wasn’t going to ask him why he never called or emailed him in an attempt to save their friendship. He wasn’t going to ask him why he was so cruel in college. He wasn’t going to ask him anything.

“You’ve changed a lot, Yamaguchi.”

Tadashi glanced up at Tsukishima before reaching over to the napkin dispenser and pulling out one napkin, starting to rip it up in small pieces. He focused his gaze on the napkin, pursing his lips. He really didn’t want to respond because that was probably the most pathetic attempt at a conversation he’s seen in a long time.

“So have you.” He shot back; his brown eyes flickering back up at the blond. Tsukishima’s hair had grown out  a lot, the tip of his bangs reaching his eyebrows and parting from the left. It reminded him a lot like his brother’s, Akiteru, hair but it looked a lot more soft. Aside from that, he noticed a piercing twinking on his left eyebrow and suddenly he felt taken by surprise. Tadashi never took Tsukishima for someone who liked piercings.

Tsukishima cleared his throat and looked at Tadashi; his gaze softening. “You haven’t been taking care of yourself, have you?” He asked, trying to soften his voice as if it would frighten Tadashi. The freckled man only rolled his eyes and gripped the ripped napkin in his hand, becoming fed up with the small talk. 

“Get to the point, Tsukishima. I just want to get this over with and eat so I can leave,” He snapped, watching as the blond flinched in his seat and looked at him with shocked amber eyes. Tadashi had always been a patient person, never resorting to anger no matter the situation, but it was obvious that seeing Tsukishima after all these years caused something to snap inside of him.

Pushing up his black framed glasses, Tsukishima regained his relaxed gaze, trying to maintain his cool. “I… Um, you know that I’m terrible at apologizing… But, I’ve been thinking about what I want to say for a long time,” He paused awkwardly, causing Tadashi to raise his eyebrow at him. This wasn’t the Tsukishima that he knew. Did he soften up while studying in America?

“And I want you to know that I’m really sorry for the way I behaved… All those years ago. I know I’m really late, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about you… And how I ruined our friendship.” Tsukishima looked up earnestly at Tadashi, his eyes seeming so sincere as he spoke. It was an expression that Tadashi had never expected to see on his face since Tsukishima rarely expressed what he was really feeling.

Tadashi sat there, looking incredibly shocked at the fact that Tsukishima was apologizing to him. To him, Yamaguchi Tadashi.  _ Tsukishima Kei _ was actually apologizing and admitting that he did something wrong to  _ Yamaguchi Tadashi _ .

The whole world might as well just end today.

A blush dusted Tsukishima’s pale cheeks as Tadashi continued to stare incredulously at him; the taller male was obviously uncomfortable in his seat. The freckled man couldn’t help but snort in amusement and actually  _ laugh _ . He laughed because this whole situation was so stupid and simple. He laughed because he had spent so many years crying because of Tsukishima for it to just come to an anticlimactic end. All of his misfortune could have been solved if only Tsukishima apologized.

How stupid.

“You know, Tsukki,” Tadashi began, rubbing his left eye after his laughter had subsided. “I used to actually dream about seeing you again. And I dreamed that you would tell me why you left and that you would promise to never leave again, but I’ve just realized that a half assed apology isn’t going to make up for the years I’ve spent wondering where the fuck I have gone wrong.” The smile on his face was gone and a cold glare looked up at Tsukishima.

Tsukishima seemed unnerved by the immediate change that was obvious in Yamaguchi’s eyes. Those amber brown eyes used to be so gentle and warm when they were younger. He remembered looking down into them and feeling a warmth spread through his body at the sight of them. Now, they glared through his being and left him wounded.

“You  _ didn’t  _ do anything wrong, Tadashi.”

“Don’t ‘ _ Tadashi’  _ me, Tsukishima,” He growled, standing up quickly and slamming his hand on the table. “If I didn’t do anything wrong, then why the fuck did you leave like that? Why did you get mad at me and called me easy? Why did you accuse me of things I would have never done at that point in my life? If I did nothing wrong, why did you leave me like that?”

Tadashi’s voice shook with his words and his eyes watered as he looked down at the blond, searching in his eyes for fear or shock. Nothing made sense to him and it made him mad. His fists were clenched tightly in anger, his nails digging sharply into his skin, but he made no move to relax, not even when Tsukishima asked him to sit down and calm down because people were starting to stare.

“Sit down and I’ll explain myself,” He said quietly, having regained his calm and cool composure. He stayed silent until Tadashi slowly settled back into his seat and slumped down, crossing his arms across his chest like a scolded teenager getting chewed out by his mother. He avoided Tsukishima’s eyes and glared at the wall, his jaw clenched in anger.

Sighing softly, Tsukishima closed his eyes and took a deep breath before continuing. “I was stupid. I acted really stupid in college and I shouldn’t have accused you of being easy because none of that was true. I was just…” He paused, wrinkling his nose as he looked down at the table. “Jealous.”

Tadashi flinched at these words. Tsukishima said the last word in a way like he was talking about something utterly vile and disgusting. It wasn’t hard to believe that he was ashamed for admitting that Tsukishima Kei, out all people, had felt jealousy. Even so, it was hard for Tadashi to understand why Tsukishima would ever be jealous in the first place.

“Why?” All anger from Tadashi’s face had washed away, only to be replaced with genuine confusion and curiosity. He was taking in too much information that didn’t add up at all.

Tsukishima clicked his tongue in irritation, obviously too embarrassed to continue explaining, but neither of them were allowed to leave before things were settled between them so he stayed in his seat, avoiding Tadashi’s expectant gaze.

“You.” His words were rushed, but he tried to regain his composure, crossing his arms as well. “A-and Oikawa… I was jealous because you were with him.” His amber eyes glanced at Tadashi and only widened at seeing his mouth go slack in shock.

The freckled man was in pure shock at the moment, replaying the words that he had just heard in his head. Tsukishima was jealous… Because he,  _ Yamaguchi Tadashi _ , had been with Oikawa Tooru. No matter how many times he replayed that sentence in his head, it didn’t seem to make one speck of sense to him.

Taking a deep breath, Tadashi closed his eyes and clasped his hands together,  trying to find the appropriate answer to this revelation. He opened his eyes and focused his gaze down at the table, opening his mouth before closing it again. He furrowed his eyebrows as he tried to process the words that had been said to him, but it still didn’t seem to click.

He glanced back up at Tsukishima and pursed his lips. “So, you’re telling me that  _ you  _ were jealous because you thought I was with Oikawa-san,” Tadashi spoke slowly, feeling like he might just be in a dream after saying those words. He had never, in a million years, ever thought that he would say those words. They left a bad taste in his mouth.

Tsukishima gave him a small nod before letting out a deep sigh, resting his arms on the table. “Don’t act so shocked. I’ve always been rather possessive of you since we were in high school,” He confessed with the pink color staining his pale cheeks. “It just irked me more when we were in college because he was… Kissing and touching you like… Like you were his.” He floundered around to connect his words and it was just ridiculous how embarrassed he was.

Tadashi felt a headache coming on even though he hadn’t ordered a drink yet. This had to be some sort of messed up dream that he was having. Yeah, he was probably still passed out on the couch at home and not in a bar with Tsukishima.

“Are you implying that you’ve had a crush on me ever since we were in high school?”  Tadashi spoke hesitantly, watching Tsukishima with a suspicious look. There was no way that Tsukishima had liked him for that long and not have shown some sort of sign of affection. Sure, he wasn’t the most friendly and open person, but he was sure that he would have been at least a little more different around Tadashi if he had such a big crush on him.

The blush on Tsukishima’s cheeks worsened, but he ignored it and gave a slow nod. “Believe it or not, I really do like you,” He confessed quietly, his words so sincere and honest, but there was still no way that Tadashi would believe him wholeheartedly.

A scoff escaped his lips and Tadashi felt like he had already drank too much wine or something.

“That’s the biggest load of bull I’ve ever heard in a long time!” He exclaimed; anger rekindling the fire in his eyes. “Tsukishima Kei, you cannot just barge into my life and suddenly claim that you’re in love with me like this! Especially not after all the crap you put me through!” His voice was tight and full of emotion as his eyes began to water again. This all had to be a cruel joke and he wanted it to end. He wanted Tetsurou to pop out and yell, “Surprise! It’s a joke!” or something, but nothing was happening. 

Tsukishima remained calm and breathed deeply, probably trying to keep from getting upset. “I know you don’t believe me, Tadashi. I’m sure as hell would not believe me if I were you, but… I am telling you the truth this time.” He said, slowly sliding his hand across the table to gently touch Tadashi’s clenched one, stopping when Tadashi ripped his hand away. “I’m sorry I hurt you and that I still have the balls to tell you that I love you, but try to believe me when I tell you that I’ve never stopped loving you.” His voice lowered into a shaky whisper, but instead of calming Tadashi down, it only infuriated him even further.

“Why should I care?” He hissed at him, glaring down at him with a fire burning bright in his usually warm eyes. This might have been the most emotion he had shown in the last couple of months and it was only ironic that it was because of Tsukishima.

The taller man pursed his lips and settled back into his seat, giving him a shrug. “You really don’t have to care. I just wanted you to know and you can take it as you will,” He paused, trying to decide his next words. “If you don’t feel the same way towards me, my world won’t end. It’ll hurt, but I deserve it after all I’ve done. If you’ve moved on, then I’ll do the same.”

Tadashi couldn’t keep the glare on his face. It was almost impossible when he saw a single tear fall from Tsukishima’s beautiful amber eyes. He had never seen the stoic man cry and never hoped to see him in such a state. All his defenses seemed to crumble at the sight, but a part of him was determined to hold strong and prove Tsukishima that he didn’t need him.

“I’m... in love with someone else now.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'll make a second part for this, but for now, just have this.


End file.
